To be or not to be

To be or not to be……..

 This is truly the question that I had to answer. During the roughest transition of my life I had to be able to move forward or not be able to move forward. Truth is I was so wounded from past pains, transitions and situations that I could not imagine what my options would be.

  Although I was seeing a counselor/therapist I slowly could not breathe. I was at rock bottom and I had nothing else to do except look up. I cried, I yelled, and I wanted to hurt those who hurt me. You see the trauma triggers and responses are real. More real than many would ever talk about. 

Then it happened I was left alone to face me. Oh my what a place to be or not to be. I was present physically but behind my well fitted mask I was a mess. 

I soon realize that I had to find me and I had to pull all the shattered pieces of me together. Pieces that had jagged edges almost impossible to put back together. But I did. 

Through my struggle I realize that I did not want another woman to feel the way that I did. Although the transition in August 2017 was the straw that broke the camel back so to speak. I had been walking around for years behind the tightly fitted mask. The mask that betrayed me daily up until the very end. 

I remember the pain, the loneliness (even with a crowd of people), the self-sabotage, the imposter feeling that followed me through out the day. I remember the silent cries and screams behind the mask that no one could hear. And if they did would they even try to help me. I was not seen or heard until I found my voice. Oh I had to dig and dig to find it but now that I have it I will use it to assist women far and wide. 

Stevie Wonder talked of a tears of a clown when no one was around but I want to talk about the tears behind a well fitted mask when everyone was around. Knowing how to appear normal when your whole world felt like it was about to collapse.

My pain, transitions, betrayals, wounds, my silence, my hurts all led me to my why…No woman would be left behind on my watch. I started Determined Steps LLC as a sacred place where women can be seen and heard no matter how tight the well fitted mask may be. I made up my mind that no matter who are where no woman would be left behind who sought me out for assistance.   

So ladies if you are reading this and you need a place, a sacred place to be seen and heard. You have found me. Nice to meet you Queen!